Stumbling block
The fact of the matter is that I’m alone now. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been bad or good - that I’ve slept around, spent excessive amounts of money, or that I’ve quit smoking, or started a book - no matter what I choose to do, where I go with my life, I will never see Rusty again. Hear his voice. Feel his touch. Why is this so hard?
It is such a rhetorical question to ask. Is this what it feels like to have the answer and still feel so far from understanding?
The fact of the matter is I miss him so much. I think of him every day. While watching an episode of The Office tonight, I instinctively turned to Rusty’s chair and yelled “Michael’s crazy!” to no one. The Office was Rusty’s favorite TV show. It was an excellent episode. I laughed, and then I cried.
This avalanche of emotions - when will it finally settle? I feel like I’m playing a game of thumb war with grief. You think you have a grip on the enemy, and in one quick swipe you’re the one pinned under instead. Just like that.
Do I feel better. Yes. Am I coping well with everything. Yes. Are you OK. Yes. Yes has no power to authenticate what, or how I am feeling. Neither does No. What will people say if I say No. Or do. Friends are no good for moments like this. If I am the only person to help myself, then I am as clueless as you are. That amorphous, distant ally, Time - am I simply to trust that one day will come when I stop grieving? Yes.
It has been a little over five months since Rusty died. He died on May 4, on the cusp of summertime.
In October, there comes a time when every New Yorker steps outside and knows irrevocably that fall is here. Tonight was such a night for me. At 5am I went out to buy a pack of cigarettes and had to come back in to put on my coat. The air felt ice cold. It is the first time I am wearing a coat since the fact. Even though he is not here to remind me, I take care to button up before I leave the apartment.
Outside the wind is wet and the streets black with rain. A few hardworking college kids stand next to the Leows on 11th and 3rd carrying 40s. I buy a pack of Parliament Lights. On my way back, like a drunk man, I tear off my nicotine patch and stick it on a street lamp. I am home. I light up.
October 12th, 2007 at 10:25 pm
Take care- really I hope you take good care of yourself. You are very special person.
October 14th, 2007 at 12:29 am
I don’t care for queers. Being gay is wrong in the first place and you know it.
October 14th, 2007 at 1:40 am
I’m glad that you are posting, because I want to keep in touch. I want to know how you are, and how you are dealing with your loss, and how Jesse’s gift to you is being rediscovered.
Do take care.
October 14th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Holy crap!! What a scum bag.
Anyway, that “european cut” shirt had me laughing for a long while.
Glad you posted. Hope the book is going well. You are loved more than you know.
October 17th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Juan Paulis: I don’t care for narrow-minded bigots. Being sanctimonious is an expression of inadequacy and you know it. You’re not welcome here so get out.
October 17th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
Being gay is not right in God’s eyes and gays are all most all mentally fucked up.
October 17th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Yen,
I stopped reading your blog, because it made me cry so much. But I so miss ’seeing’ you and Jesse in our chat room. I think of you so often, and wonder how you are doing. I was hoping to read that this summer had found a way to lighten your grief, but I see that is not the case.
We have lost others from our community since Jesse died. Each death breaks my heart.
Each time a new, young person comes to our site with melanoma I feel guilt. I have battled melanoma since I was 30 yrs old, but now I am 54, and it seems unfair that I am still alive, when so many are taken at such a young age. Guilt fills me when I talk to the young wife of a 24 yr old man with melanoma. They have 2 small children, and I am filled with sorrow to think of what they are all going through.
Yen, I don’t believe grief will ever leave you. I have not found it to be the case. It might dim in time, and you might again see light and love in your life, but you won’t lose your grief.
We miss you..and speak of you and Jesse often.
Quit smoking dear.
Peace,
dian
October 18th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Hmm Juan Paulis how about this: Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged, love thy neighbor, etc…God probably doesn’t think your bigotry is right either. If you don’t want to read about or support Yen, DON’T. But keep your “opinions” to yourself.
Yen, you and Rusty were such a big support on MPIP when my hubby was failing. I know how hard this is for you and I think of you daily. It does get easier eventually.
Krista
October 18th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
Juan Paulis: The fact that you have to resort to using your “god” as an excuse for your prejudice is a clear sign that you know it’s wrong to be bigoted. But you persist anyway, for some reason. I suspect mental illness.
In any case, you are leaving petty and spiteful comments on the blog of someone who is grieving the loss of a dearly-loved partner. What would your “god” think of that, I wonder?
October 19th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Being gay is naturally wrong. Forget about God. It’s disgusting, filthy, gross. It has nothing to do with being a bigot or hateful. Being gay is plain wrong and you fags know that too.
October 19th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
This has nothing to do with a sadness for someone’s loss or not caring. I just do not believe in people sinning and being gay. My condolences go out to anyone who loses a friend, but being gay is wrong.
October 19th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Now just where in the hell does it say in the Bible God made Adam & Steve? Show me.
October 19th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
“Now just where in the hell does it say in the Bible God made Adam & Steve?” That’s actually pretty funny.
JP: It’s true that in many, many parts of the world, being gay is considered “wrong”. Governments, who in theory should be independent of religious persuasions, instead use the armor of religion to continue to sideline minorities in their legislation of civil rights, which in effect perpetuate secular notions of “wrongness” in lifestyle choices or ideas of personhood. In doing so, states have taken the whole rather amorphous concept of morality and codified it into national policy. I don’t blame commonfolk for failing to rise above institutionalised bigotry. It’s certainly your perogative to believe what you will of gays. I think the issue here is that while you are entitled to your opinion, it’s not gracious of you to express such virulence here, when the more humane, or one might even argue, “god-like”, response ought to be one of sympathy.
Unless you have anything more substantial to add to this debate, let this be your last word on this issue. I welcome other readers who share your opinion to chime in.
To my friends - Daniel, Katrina, Dian, Krista, Zyn, and others who have written me independently - thank you for checking in on me and for being a source of support and love. Please stay in touch.
October 19th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
Yen, you seem like a nice, deep person, I’m just sorry, I believe being gay is very, very wrong. I will not post anymore because you have been respectful back when you didn’t need to be. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry for your pain, but that cannot change my mind that being gay is wrong and it is a separate issue to me.
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:29 pm
You continue to impress, Yen.
Are Steves evil? God didn’t make Steves?
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:49 am
Yen - I have not written in a while as I figured you would need your own time and space to sort out your thoughts and feelings in the aftermath. I am still reading your blog to check in how you are. Do drop me a line when you are ready, I will be still be here.
Juan Paulis - just stay out of this blog and never come back. Your presence is a nuisance to one and all. We read the blog because we care for Yen.
October 25th, 2007 at 9:46 pm
ALL GAYS WILL ROT IN HELL.
October 27th, 2007 at 4:02 am
I know that Love is the Universal Energy… It doesn’t matter what anyone else says, Yen. You and I know it to be true. It never dies. I found myself crying today, more than 2 years after he passed - I miss him so… I thought I was over that. I am an Elder Libertine now, a “Merry Widower” … most of the time.
Will there be Love in my life? Oh yes, because both he and I wish for it. Will it be as strong? Not likely after 37 years together … but yes, it will happen on some level … Just know that I support you and love you and am so happy that you are sharing your journey …
Bodhi