Part two
It’s taken me a month to find my way back to this place. In this time, I’ve lost myself again and again. Even now, I wonder if I’m all here, if I’m present.
I started on this new journey wanting to be strong, wanting to be able. And for a while I thought I was, until I learned that there’s actually nothing I can physically do to prove to myself that I’m okay.
I can sleep, I eat. I do the laundry, sweep the floor - all these are representations of living, but prove nothing of my emotional stability. I now realise that recovery comes in two parts, and sometimes the two do not connect.
Some days the challenge is to recognise what I need. Some days it is to understand what I am doing. Since Rusty died, I have methodically sought men out for company. Sometimes for drinks, other times for sex. My loneliness was crushing, and like a man about to drown, the quality of company made little difference to me. I was desperate to find a replacement for Rusty. As we lay quiet in the dark, it was easy to make believe it was him.
Strength, courage, and determination. These are words Rusty left me, words that have bolstered our fight against his cancer, words that I’ve willed myself to demonstrate in these past months. I have been strong for the funeral, for the memorial service, for the weeks that took to take care of his estate, but I really haven’t since then.
Truth be told, I’ve had no words. I’ve let time chip away at myself. I’ve let my grief fester. And isn’t that how it’s done.
There are timelines that loom. Fall will soon be here. The lease to our apartment will be up in November. I begin work at the end of the year. I’m at a point where I can now see comfort in these lines, like lifelines, structuring time so my days will begin to make sense again.
I know I will be able to work. I am even looking forward to it. By that time I will be ready to let go of all this. By that time my grief, I hope, will require less thoughtfulness, less scrutiny. With any luck, it will be like an old friend.
August 4th, 2007 at 9:40 am
Good to see you post again. I can’t imagine how hard this is. Thank you so much for sharing your journey.
August 4th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Still here at the sidelines and reading your post. Take care, K1
August 5th, 2007 at 10:41 am
hey, hang in there. you’ve probably heard this a million times, but take heart that you WILL get better. you just need to ride out this storm for now. see you soon…
hq
August 5th, 2007 at 11:46 pm
I have thought about you so much Yen. I can only imagine what you are going through, but know that you are loved.
Laurie
August 6th, 2007 at 2:26 am
If you are in grief, keep moving on; don’t stop, if not you will be forever in grief.
August 6th, 2007 at 4:21 am
Hi, remember me? We met during our trip to Desaru with many adult students last yr.
By the way, I happened to read your blog and it is quite overwhelming for me.. It must be hard on you. My mother is dying of cancer. She has a few months to live.. But when I read your journey, I learnt alot. Thanks. Do promise your friends like me that you keep moving on. You can! See you back again in Singapore soon!
August 10th, 2007 at 12:42 am
Time is the greatest healer. I know its hard to believe. When I lost a close relative (a best friend to me), I could not get out of bed on some days and I developed many strange habits like stoning in front of the tv for 13 hours at a stretch for weeks. Some days I was functioning fine, other days I had to drag myelf out of bed. You may never recover fm losing Jessie but the pain.. the pain will ease. Take care and see u soon.
August 10th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
Time IS the healer. There are some things that never go away, but as you say - they become as an old friend. I’m glad to see that you are moving on, making plans and changes. The love you and Jesse had will always stand as a memorial to me … of the two of you and of your strength and determination to see it all through …
(HUGE HUGE bear hug) … b
August 13th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
So glad you updated… and happy to read what you’ve written. Will be here when you get back. Can’t wait.
Lots of love in the meantime.
August 16th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I’ve been that alone before. There’s no judgement. Jesse’s touch may not be with you, but his love and courage are still there for you to draw on.