Replacing love
It’s again that time of night when my head bgins to clear. I’ve had more than a little to drink, and probably too many cigarettes to count. With only a few more hours to daylight, I wonder how many more nights I will have in this apartment.
Here I am, sitting on the bar stool, typing away on the kitchen countertop. “Tippity-tap, tippity-tap,” Rusty used to say when he got annoyed I spent so much time on the computer. That was my cue to walk over and give him a kiss.
I light another. There he is, sitting in his chair, by the window. Ever so often, I turn around and look at him. He winks at me. I don’t think I will ever forget his wink.
A conversation I had with Asha yesterday got me thinking about my memory of Rusty. She said the human mind is capable of remembering only 1/100 per cent of our lives. “Probably even less. Much less. Memory is so selective; plus, how do we even know if it’s accurate?”
As the years pass, will my bank of memories with Rusty slowly diminish? Will I begin to distill my memories and idealise our relationship as the ultimate standard of love?
I feel no directive from my emotional clock to find another man, no impulse to forge new memories. Rusty is dead, but I still love him. I am still in love with him. I am not yet ready to forget. But how long will old memories sustain me?
Can another man love me, knowing he will never quite fill this hollow completely? Will I ever be able to love again completely? When one person loses the love of his life, can that really be replaced?
June 15th, 2007 at 8:49 am
I see so many similarities to what you are feeling now and what I felt 12 years ago! I remember worrying that I would forget some part of my time with Matt and wondering if there was some way to preserve those memories. I actually did write some important memories down (this was before internet blogging) in a written journal.
I think I did idealize some of my memories of him — how could I not? When you lose someone to a long term illness where you were the primary support person, it causes the relationship to deepen.
I have always felt that one of my greatest accomplishments in this life cycle is that I helped Matt to die more peacefully — and I remember saying to friends and family that he and I were lucky to have found each other — which reminds me of your “two lucky” blog title.
I don’t know what is in store for you, but I can say that I do remember the important things about Matt — sometimes I will turn a corner or see something that will bring a flash of memory back that I had “forgotten.” So, the memories are still there.
I have not been lucky finding another love as deep as mine was for Matt. But I decided a long time ago that I didn’t want to try to make new lovers measure up to Matt. I try to let the relationships develop on their own merits.
I’m not sure that any of this helps — I just wanted to let you know that I understand some of your feelings — that you are not alone in how you feel. I hope that some of this helps to soothe some of your wounds.
June 15th, 2007 at 11:32 am
Time heals - slowly … Savour the memories … they will always sustain you. It has now been nearly 22 months since my Beloved passed from cancer, and I was with him for that … So we DO have selective memories, as I do not dwell on the frailty of his physical self in the last month or so - I DO remember his LOVE and his gentleness that was ever-present in our 37 years together….
He completed me in so many ways, and I know I will never find anyone to replace him - I am not looking for that… Yet I know he wants me to be happy! So I delight in meeting new people who did not know me as a “part of a whole”, but rather a person slowly expanding to fill the void his passing has left - I am on my own now, and it is a time for growth, no matter how painful.
The picture of us on our legal wedding day is no longer in front of my nose 24/7, although I can see it if I turn my head. I do not carry a picture of his physical body, as it has passed. What I DO carry is the awareness that I am growing to be more like him, not on purpose, but it’s happening nevertheless … So in an important way, he is still with me, adding inner beauty and compassion. I have moved on my own now and I had to let go of many of the things that we collected and shared together - I had no choice! Even his computer is gone, although virtually everything in it was transferred to mine … again, he lives on …
Relationships? Yes!! I welcome my new friends - but romance? It’s unlikely, although I am open to it. But until the qualities I have “inherited” from Kirti are fully absorbed and become MY qualities, then there would always be 3 of us in any romance - and that would not be fair to the other … As I said, time heals all … but slowly.
So my only thought for you is to be LOVING to all, as he would want you to be. Let Life unfold as it should, and be open to those who would experience you as a Whole - not a part … Let your life reflect Jesse’s best qualities as well as your own, and you will blossom … over time … In the interim, remember him and reflect on the good times … and be happy, as he would also want you to be. Honour the LOVE that you shared, so few ever experience that … and it will never die …
Blessings and Love to you - from a fellow traveller …
Bodhi
June 18th, 2007 at 11:44 pm
All I can offer is my love.
Healing hugs, Yen.
Laurie
June 19th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
If you really love a person, you will never forget them - no matter how many years have gone by and how much time has passed.
Because love lives even in the heart.
June 25th, 2007 at 1:04 am
The memories will be here — through it all, through another person (if that becomes your choice) - and no, no one can replace Jesse. And it would be unfair to ask them to do that. But perhaps, in time, there is someone that can compliment and/or complete those memories.
But that needs to be left to time … and the universe.
(HUGE bear hug) …b