My life in New York
Dad,
Please do not be angry. I know you want me to come home. I am not trying to upset you. I am trying to communicate with you as best I can.
You can take your time to figure things out, but the outcome will only be one: You have to carry on with your life without Rusty.
I know this. Rusty was sick for so long. But knowing this intellectually, and knowing this emotionally is quite different. He has just died, Dad. I am not worried about “carrying on”. I am just grieving.
The longer you stay in NY, the weaker you become, the harder for you to think rationally.
It is difficult to be here, by myself. In this apartment, I think of Rusty all the time. That is why I considered returning to Singapore in August. But now I think differently. I am thinking rationally.
I need time to make peace with Rusty’s death here. This city is where I came out as a gay person. It is where I met Rusty. It is where we fell in love. We shared a home here. He died here, in my arms.
New York is my home. Singapore is my home, too. My family is there. You and Mom are there. But Rusty was not just a boyfriend. We were going to get married. We wanted children. We wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.
I am not running away from anything by choosing to stay. I am choosing to face my grief. It is something I must go through alone. I will come home to Singapore. Give me time.
You have your family, family must always come first. Next is your work and career. Relationship is the third. It sounds like you have made Relationship your priority.
My priority is my life. I am my own man. I must weigh every factor - you, Mom, my career, my emotional health, Rusty, his family, et cetera - to decide my next step.
You will see me in Singapore soon. I plan to start work at the end of the year. But right now, these next few months, will be all I have of New York and of our home. Rusty was my husband. I love him so much, and so dearly. I am not yet ready to leave.
I have always advised you to be strong in any kind of circumstances. Setbacks and trauma can break a man, or make him stronger and smarter. Which is it going to be for you? You are a smart boy, you can figure it out, but don’t take too long, ok?
Do not worry. I will not be broken by this. I have always been strong, and will continue to be. But, as I said, Rusty just died, Dad. Even those who are strong, when hurt, need time to recover.
Rusty loved me more than anyone, more than anything. At his funeral, I was his grieving husband. I picked out his casket. I put him into the ground. I am handling his financial documents. I am replying to the cards and flowers we received.
You have lost a father, a mother, and a brother. But it is not the same as losing your lover, your partner, your best friend. Our grief is the same, but different. Please know that I am trying my best.
June 8th, 2007 at 4:58 am
Each time I read one of your posts I try to put myself in your position and imagine how I would handle things if I had to go through what you just have.
I don’t know if I’d be able to. What you’ve had to deal with, I don’t know how I would cope. With each day that goes by you are doing an amazing job of being you and handling what you have to.
June 8th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Dad is trying to show brave where he does not know. He doesn’t want to see you hurt or sad and deems it unacceptable, thinking he can ’snap’ you out of it. Dads are funny that way.
You are beautifully right in the way to handle this. You can’t run away from it… it will never leave you, it will remain with you forever. You need it to and you’ll want it to once you accept it.
(love)
June 9th, 2007 at 12:34 am
I’m glad you’ve decided to do what you know is best. Follow your instincts in this, Yen.
Much love,
Laurie
June 9th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Dear Yen,
I am glad you are giving yourself the time to grieve in the ways that are right for you. I believe in my heart that it is a necessary part of life when we lose a loved one and it can’t be done on anyone’s time table but our own. You are so wise to know that. I am so sorry that you and Jesse didn’t have the long life together that you should have had. Life is so unfair. I hope you will continue to take your time and not feel pressured to do anything on anyone elses idea of what is the right way to do it. As ever, Carver (mpip)
June 9th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
I wanted you to know that I have been stopping by, and I am so sorry for your loss. Had I been able to - even though we only have this connection across the internet - I would have made my way to services for Jesse. Your descriptions of the process you went through were deeply moving, and I too, grieve for his passing.
I think you have also done an amazing job, even in just this short period since his passing, of identifying the issues of the person left behind. While I don’t think you need to make any decision about where to stay, or what to do next, the main thing is not to close off any options just yet. Those decisions, about what comes next, will come eventually, but there’s no pressure to figure everything out just now. A major change has happened; it will take time to understand just what it mean.
Again I offer my sympathy; please let me know if there’s anything I can do.
Best
Wesley (nycweboy)
June 10th, 2007 at 6:59 am
I agree that you have to do what is right for you - you need to put aside everyone else’s feelings and deal with your own grief first. Only then can you start to think about other things. I think staying in NY will help you through that process.
Take care.
June 10th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
Take your time.
June 10th, 2007 at 7:53 pm
I come from a society of individualist thinking (New York City, too) and your Dad comes from a society of collective thinking (individual matters least). I understand very much the way his thoughts move. They have to move that way - it’s his security. It’s what he knows and believes, yet, if he were raised here in NYC, he’d never give advice as he’s given. Nurturing your needs goes hard against the grain of your collective upbringing. But, you must do it. Your roots are in Singapore, but right now your heart is in NYC and here it must stay. I don’t want you to return to Singapore out of guilt and obligation. In the scope of things, it’s more important for your Dad to suffer disappointment than for you to turn away from your delicate needs.
You’re amazing. Your strength grows from not denying yourself, but embracing what is the most difficult thing that will probably ever happen to you. You have to keep on doing it. Don’t stop. One day you’re going to thrive in love and strength, and it’s what he’d want for you. That’s what you built together, it’s what you both value, and it’s what makes your love and relationship beautiful. And you’ll take that with you from now on, and it’ll serve you in your beautiful life.
June 10th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
all the best.
takes courage to deal with the loss, takes even more courage to know that you have to deal with it and even more to want to deal with it. you’re doing wonderfully well so far.
cheers.
June 12th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Perhaps I’m reading into your father’s words, but he sounds very much East Asian. But you’re a child of two cultures, and that’s a difficult proposition.