Don’t cry
Tomorrow I leave for Montreal until the end of the week. It will be nice to see my aunt, and my little cousin, who to be honest isn’t so little anymore.
When I first saw him again after eight long years of separation, he was still a wee, mischievous 10-year-old. Now he’s 15, almost as tall as I am, and filling out his limbs.
He has, however, kept the cheeky glint in his eye. It runs in the family, after all.
I have been avoiding phone calls and e-mails this past week. Deep down I still feel awkward about engaging the world in its regularity, taking part in its prescribed pleasantries when all I really want is to be by myself, or at least, be with someone who understands how it feels to lose a husband. My uncle died of cancer when he was 39. My cousin was only four years old.
I do feel stronger each day. Some days, when I least expect it, I go under for a few minutes, but it passes, and I pull myself together. I take walks. I make dinner. Last weekend I put on a pretty shirt and had a few drinks at the local bar. I was comforted, though I was still uncomfortable, in the company of men again.
Grief to me is still a mystery. Its feelings are so complex, so layered, that I wonder if I will ever come to understand it completely. Part of my brain functions, part of it seems closed. Still I breathe. I am afraid to know its full force, the finality of death.
May 30th, 2007 at 8:03 am
Hi Yen, I am a stranger from Singapore who happened to have followed your blog since your blogspot days. I was captivated by your love story. Just wanted to tell you that it is good to surround yourself with someone close to you and who knows the feelings of having lost a loved one. You can talk about things familiar and common to you as you have similar experiences. Also, You may also undergo the 4 phases of a typical and inevitable grieving cycle or process. I think it goes something like denial, anger, depression and finally recovering to normalcy. It will take time so brace yourself for the ride. In the end, when you found work to do, friends to go out with, family to care for, hobbies to pursue, you would already be on the road to recovery.
May 30th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Oh! So you are in Montreal. Those goofballs at Continental had better get you there and back. Painlessly. Bon sejour may cheese console.
May 30th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
Not sure about the four stages of grief; I just remembered a lot of pain and how it would hit me at the most inexplicable moments - till this day medical dramas leave me weepy and I still need to be comforted after watching them.
As for ‘learning’ from grief, I guess it did force me to acknowledge my mortality and in the end I decided to slow down my career (a decision which allowed me time to deal properly with my grief and seek professional help for it).
I hope you relax in Montreal and have some quality time with your aunt and cousin. It will be a welcome respite after all that you have been through recently.
Take care.
May 31st, 2007 at 10:53 am
“Grief to me is still a mystery. Its feelings are so complex, so layered, that I wonder if I will ever come to understand it completely, much less learn from it in a constructive way.
Part of my brain functions, part of it seems closed.”
Dear Yen ~
Grief is a mystery, in spit of all those that would claim to have “the” method to recover. All I can say - is each person has to grieve in their own way, with their own timetable of recovery. It does happen, it does get easier … and the learning makes one realize the joy of life, the wonder of being - and the power of oneself.
I also hope you have a wonderful time in Montreal -
(HUGE bear hug) … b
May 31st, 2007 at 12:31 pm
I’m thinking of you.
June 1st, 2007 at 11:25 am
I did not claim to have ‘the’ method to recover from grief, neither have I said that there is a timetable. I do not claim to comprehend grief too. All I wanted to do is to share how I cope with my own grief. I went on to read a little about it and found that the grieving process applied to me and I can relate to it as many others have too. It helped me to understand my emotions during different periods and helped me cope with them. It sure beats knowing nothing and yet continuing to barrel down a bottomless dark hole. It also won’t help by saying that grief does happen and it does get easier. Nobody would be better off with such advice, or words like grief is a mystery, without any real attempt to do anything positive about it.
June 2nd, 2007 at 12:56 am
Alvin -
I re-read my post and realized hat I had not worded it carefully enough - I apologize if you thought ANY of my comments were directed to your wonderful and well thought-out post. You were NOT what I was talking about. Again, accept my deepest apologies…
(HUGE bear hug) …b