Logic & grief
I was told today that Rusty has only three to four more weeks left to live. When the doctors pulled me aside (”May I speak with you in private?”), I already knew.
I was not surprised. I suppose, however, it is one thing to know it intellectually (Rusty’s disease prognosis fits neatly into the statistical majority), quite another to have someone in a white uniform bring you the news.
My reaction was visceral, in spite of fore-knowledge, and unexpected in that regard. I sat in the toilet and cried. For the first time, in a very long time, I believed I would not be whole again. I felt my insides wrenched from me. I howled. I was also confused, which only proves how one, notwithstanding one’s intelligence, can reject logic in the face of grief.
Even though I already knew the answer, I kept asking myself: Can this really be true?
April 30th, 2007 at 5:03 am
Dear Yen,
A poem offering for you. Beyond a certain point, language fails but I wrote this today for you.
Just remember: if you need a place to get away, enjoy anonymity, you are always welcome to my Tokyo pad.
Paul
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The inevitability of flowers
Dang blooming heads everywhere
like those irascible mechanical gophers
in a rabid neon fairyland;
you feel you gotta beat em down
with some huge bat.
Springtime is sometimes like this, yes.
Today’s park is bright
in its certainty, peopled
to the shadiest corners.
You can’t escape the
fissured earth, the flotsam pollen,
green buds, the secret pleasures
of new and falling petals
(those seemingly endless sakuras,
a heady cliché too, surely,
but what godly calipers
assembled those tissue petals?),
all part of some cosmic cycle
we pretend to understand.
We do our best, catch our breath
on a paint-peeled bench,
avoid the gum stains at our feet.
The retired sarariman peers through
his expensive camera lens,
white hair glinting
in the twilight garden,
so much beauty to record.
April 30th, 2007 at 5:42 am
I am so sorry it has come to this. At least the doctor took you aside. It is his way of saying that you need to make the necessary preparations.
Let all your tears out, do not hold them back. Do not worry about the future, it is irrelevant as from this moment.
I’ve already said this but I’ll say it again. Sit down with Jesse one on one and make sure you tell him everything you want and need to. I have no doubt Jesse will have things that he will want to say to you. (I say this from personal experience - the initial couple of weeks I spent with my mum when she was still cogent and had the ability to speak without becoming too tired are to date the most cherished memories that I have of her.)
You will be in my thoughts. Please do not hesitate to drop me an email.
April 30th, 2007 at 6:36 am
hugs
April 30th, 2007 at 10:44 am
Always here for you.
April 30th, 2007 at 10:46 am
I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you and Jesse, constantly.
April 30th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
I agree with ll, speak openly and freely. Tell him all and let him tell you all. Before my mom passed, we spent dozens of hours talking and those hours gave us both great comfort.
My heart goes out to both of you. I love you both.
April 30th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
My heart is with you … embrace the future - do not pretend it is not there - be conscious that your Love is not fading, only Jesse’s frail body…
Talk with him … let him know what a joy it has been to be with him through health and now frailty … tell him again that your Love is forever - beyond the passing of his body … And that you will carry his legacy with you to be shared with this physical world, until you meet again….for you surely will…
Celebrate Everything! ….. Always!
Love is THE Law! May it always continue to guide you … forever…
Love,
Bodhi
(Toronto, Canada)
April 30th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
My heart/thoughts/prayers are with you as well. At the moment, I can only echo what has been said. Talk, talk all that needs to be said, all you want to be said. Keep the love going …the love that will go far beyond the failing of a frail body …
(HUGE bear hug) … b
April 30th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
I’m so sorry.
April 30th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
Hey Yen, sorry to hear the news. Be strong for Jesse, and hang in there…
May 1st, 2007 at 1:17 am
I have no words to offer.
Just hugs.
And I’m sorry.
May 1st, 2007 at 9:38 am
everything that can be said has been said.
my prayers will be with the both of you.
May 1st, 2007 at 10:15 am
Every day until then is a gift you open together.
Warm hugs and healing wishes.
May 1st, 2007 at 11:59 am
I just shed a few tears, too…
So very, very, sorry. Yet “sorry” is a word that just pisses me off…it doesn’t express enough sorry…
Be brave.
May 1st, 2007 at 1:09 pm
I’m so sorry.
Just remember that no matter what happens, nothing can ever truly separate two people who love each other the way you and Jesse do.
Much love to you both.
May 1st, 2007 at 4:33 pm
You walk next to him, holding his hand.
You are happy following his lead,
but sometimes you take the lead.
You give each other that little nudge,
to make sure the other keeps up.
You slow down and look over your shoulder,
when he wants to take a break.
You let him walk free and alone,
but you never let him out of your sight.
You walk strong and proud,
so that he can feed off your strength.
You walk next to him, holding his hand.
He looks at you and holds your hand to his lips.
Then slowly, he lets go and looks at you to do the same.
You find yourself walking alone next to a memory,
deeply etched in your aching heart & hollowed soul.
Remembering the hand you once held,
and let go with all the love in your heart.
You cry, you curse, you collapse.
But you never, never stop walking.
For your loved ones, for him and more so,
For yourself.
Take care & Bless.
May 2nd, 2007 at 6:17 am
I’m sorry.
May 2nd, 2007 at 10:24 pm
We all love you.
May 2nd, 2007 at 10:43 pm
Dire words indeed, but still only words. Love has a superior logic of its own.
I love your ability to love in the face of this awful challenge. Each moment that you and Jesse have together releases a spark of the divine into this world.
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:54 am
Sigh…
I’m crying with you. I don’t know what to say. Nothing seems appropriate.
May 4th, 2007 at 5:32 am
Words might not help. Here’s a truckload of hugs and prayers. *HUG*