Umbrellas & April showers
Becky surprised me again with her uncanny intuition for sizing up human emotion as I walked her to the door.
She said: “It must be so difficult for you, not to be able to spend anytime with Rusty alone, with visitors coming in and out all the time, and Peggy having stayed with you for so long.”
I do not want Peggy to leave, so perhaps I will go instead, for a few days, or just one day. I can sleep over at a friend’s apartment. I talked to Ma yesterday, and she told me I must not resent Peggy for being a mother.
It sounds paradoxical, to want to leave and to want to be alone with Rusty at the same time. Perhaps what I really want is just some quiet.
There is always someone in the room. All our friends and family members who lean over us with their kind words and deli-bought flowers. Even when I leave the room, I imagine their faces talking, looking at me, searching for a visual cue - a downward glance, the hint of a tear - to dispense a comforting word.
In the end, I hold myself together. I don’t cry, but instead tears brim on my fingers, my skin, and my feet. This wet sorrow. Meanwhile, the room teems with distracted, polite conversation.
Outside, there is an angry wind and grey skies. It’s April, but the trees are still bare. There is a little discussion on which umbrellas are more functional, compact or full-sized. We wonder aloud if it will rain or snow tonight.
April 13th, 2007 at 12:19 am
Going away for a short time will do you some good - the ‘quiet/alone’ time will give you time to collect your thoughts and rest. Take care.
April 13th, 2007 at 9:56 am
“There is a little discussion on which umbrellas are more functional, compact or full-sized.”
That is so perfect. I think the answer is one of each and sometimes you want the rain to wash over you. To bring renewal, to make you feel the newness of the spring.
I think we sometimes need to let people know what we need. Sometimes it means hurting someone’s feelings, but they will ultimately understand. If you can, try to set some boundaries. I’m sure you could both use the quiet to regroup. It’s hard to have the conflict of wanting the people when needed and the feeling of having to entertain or make them all feel better. Maybe set a quiet time just for the two of you to hear the silence.
April 14th, 2007 at 9:47 am
Katrina said all I wanted to so well ~ So I will add an agreement with her. You need to make what you want known - almost everyone will understand. You both need the time - to be with each other and to “link” with each other.
When my Mother faced that - she was gentle but firm in setting boundaries. Almost everyone understood and respected her.
Patience — has a quiet Outer –
Patience — Look within –
Is an Insect’s futile forces
Infinites — between –
‘Scaping one — against the other
Fruitlesser to fling –
Patience — is the Smile’s exertion
Through the quivering –
—Emily Dickinson
(HUGE HUGE bear hug) ….b
April 14th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
I wish I could take away your pain and give you what you want most; your Jesse back, whole and intact. If I had the power to do it, I would. But I don’t, so all I can do is tell you I love you.