Don’t forget me
Week in review
Since the surgery, Rusty’s condition has deteriorated. He is so weak, in fact, that Dr Kaufman has refused to continue with IL-2 therapy; he said the drug’s severe toxicity may actually kill him.
So today, we sought the opinion of another doctor, a colleague of Dr Kaufman’s, Dr Sherman. His prognosis, simply, is that the tumors in Rusty’s liver are growing too quickly.
“You’re carrying too much disease. Must be 10lbs in there,” he said.
We grasp at straws. “What about a liver resection?” Rusty asks. Dr Sherman shakes his head. I push on: “Abraxane? Avastin? Gleevac?”
“No, no, and definitely no.”
This cancer continues to pick at our lives like a vulture.
At home, Rusty is in constant discomfort. He eats like a bird, yet vomits bagfuls every night. Walking down a block is impossible. Whether in the day, or at night, he drifts in and out of sleep, in a cycle of painkillers.
I wonder if there isn’t a moment that he wakes up, and for a few seconds, forgets that he is dying.
For the survivor, forgetting is a difficult conundrum. In wanting to capture every moment, what one recalls in searing detail only renders the loss more acute. Though love and pain make poor partners, each is inextricably twined with the other. Love gives pain comfort. The latter legitimizes the former.
How do we forget one without the other?
I cried hard today in the town car on the way back from the hospital. It did not last long, probably for less than a minute. The tears stopped as suddenly as they had come. It happened soon after we got into the car, when Rusty took my hand and said to me: “I am so happy to be with you.”
April 3rd, 2007 at 7:09 am
*giant hug* Hang in there. We’re here for you.
On a happier note, your writing always makes my day.
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:03 am
I don’t know what to say.
April 3rd, 2007 at 9:21 am
I feel for you. I am so sorry to hear the bad news.
April 3rd, 2007 at 10:29 am
I am so happy to be with you two, too.
Thank you.
(Love and love and love and love.)
April 3rd, 2007 at 11:49 am
I’m so sorry Yen.
All my best thoughts and prayers are with you two.
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:33 pm
There’s nothing I can say to make it better, this much I know. But please know that you are both in my thoughts and prayers and that someone in Denver, Colorado loves you.
April 3rd, 2007 at 6:37 pm
I’ll do more later - but I need to absorb all this first ….
HOWEVER, know - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that I am standing with you during this, and that you are and will be constant in my thoughts/prayers …
((HUGE HUGE HUGE bear hug)) … b
April 3rd, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Salute to both of you.
April 5th, 2007 at 12:13 am
This is bad news indeed. Hugs.
April 5th, 2007 at 4:11 am
Your writing is beautiful, and hopefully a salve for the soul weighed down by the stresses of love and duty.
April 6th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
Live fully in each moment, with all the pain and all the joy, and all the possibilities. Love your man with all the fullness of your being today. My thoughts are with you today.
April 8th, 2007 at 12:10 am
The news has unfortunately put everything into perpsective. The only things you can do from now on is to cherish every moment that you have together ahd love each other fully. Only then can the the two of you can find a way through this pain.
With love across from across the seas.
April 8th, 2007 at 12:26 am
Everything happens for a reason.
‘Tis is poor consolation, alas.
But you had, you have and you will always have.
April 9th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
Treasure the moments of love, and when everything has been done, just leave it to God, and you shall not have any regrets. You two have been very brave.
April 10th, 2007 at 1:45 am
Just checking in to tell you I’m thinking of you both.
April 11th, 2007 at 10:04 pm
I would like to come and hold both of your hands. Thank you for this journey that you are allowing me to share with you, each moment of love, pain, joy and peace in such intensity that I wonder if anything else around me is real.
April 17th, 2007 at 1:09 am
Hi Yen,
So sorry to hear the news… (I cried)
Be strong, I’ll keep both of you in my prayers.
God bless.
April 29th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
[…] But I suppose there is something to be said for the delight and gratification in re-discovering an old memory, and for forgetting. […]