Philosophy in living
Week in review
A friend recently pushed me to rediscover philosophy for answers. “Sometimes, it helps to look to others who have done the thinking for you,” he said.
And so I have, in the past weeks, read like a hurricane, with anticipation and keen reflection. I’ve finished three books: Discourse on Thinking, by Martin Heidegger; Nicomachean Ethics, by Aristotle; and Functions of Painting, by Frank Leger.
It’s a new perspective for me, to turn to philosophy when reality becomes too heavy to walk out of. Friends and family typically advise counselling or professional psychiatry, neither of which I’ve found to be completely fulfilling, or convincing.
I suppose I’d like to think there is an average intelligence such counselling is most suited for, but in truth intellect has very little to do with grief and its emotional aftermath. Our intelligent and emotional selves are always separate, and in competition, and that reality is perhaps what cuts most deeply - that I might fail to save Rusty, and fail to recover my sense of independent self when he dies, in spite of all my efforts, in spite of my mental ability.
Grief is a forcible, competent equalizer.
But while I am in the thick of living, Heidegger wants me to abandon my inclination towards calculative thinking, and aspire towards thought more meditatively. My frustrations, he says, comes from desire, the prospect of something, the waiting for. Yet it is not contentment he teaches. Instead, it is to learn patient desire, to live life with an openness to its mysteries, to remember that life goes on, independent of desire.
I haven’t written much because there hasn’t been much in terms of Rusty’s medical progress.
He is still weak from the surgery. He hasn’t walked outside in days. His appetite fluctuates. The vomitting seems to have stop, but the dry heaving isn’t better. We are waiting to hear back from Dr Kaufman when to go in for the next round of IL-2. In the meantime, we subsist by counting the hours.
Every day we wake in the night and sleep again when the sun is high. We eat sometimes, sometimes not at all. The minutes leak into hours, and the hours drift in and out of usefulness. We use time to tell when he’s ready for the next pill, when our favorite TV shows come on.
Otherwise, time is irrelevant as the sky.
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:12 pm
Hugs for you both. Another little book that you might be interested in is The Way to Love by Anthony de Mello. If read slowly, one chapter at a time, it points to a way to cope with attachment (desire) and its bonds.
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:51 pm
Thank you, I will definitely check it out. Keep those recommendations coming!
March 23rd, 2007 at 8:22 am
Hi Yen,
You are an amazing person and my heart goes out to you and Jesse. I have been quite worried so thank you for the update. Thank you also for your insights. Philosopy rocks! I know you are way beyond this but, “Philosophy for Dummies” by Morris-I think a Yale professor- is a really well written introduction to philosopy. Too bad the title is so embarrassing, but I keep going back to this book for reference. Rob is reading “In the End-The Beginning-the life of hope”- by Jurgen Moltmann. Wonder if and how he makes the differintiation between hope and desire.
Your message, as always, hit home for me. Good books are life giving- need to get one today. I have been reading too much fluff for the past 5 months-good for escaping but not for growing. Take care,
Barbara
March 23rd, 2007 at 10:12 am
I am very thankful that you’ve updated. You have both been on my mind even more than usual lately. I know how much you love Jesse and how your life revolves around his illness, but please remember that you have to take care of yourself, too. A caregiver often neglects their own needs and I hope and pray that you aren’t doing that.
Please know that you both are always in my thoughts and prayers.
March 23rd, 2007 at 12:38 pm
You’re right…grief is a forcible, competent equalizer.
So is love.
It seems that you’re letting your love for Jesse guide you, rather than your fear. That is admirable.
You’ll find your path through this. I’m positive of that.
March 23rd, 2007 at 11:30 pm
I was glad to hear from you - and to see the update. Both of you are so much on my mind and in my thoughts/prayers these days - especially with what appears to be the leveling off of improvement.
I also heartily agree with Laurie. I know and deeply respect the love you have for Jesse and the love he has for you, but you MUST take care of yourself as well. This is not selfishness but necessity. If you neglect yourself and needs - your ability to be effective for and with Jesse with be diminished.
Know that people are standing with you and ‘around’ you during all this - hopefully, some of those can be physically around you as well.
And lastly repeating Helen’s comment, continue to let your love guide you, rather than your fear…
(HUGE bear hug) …. b
March 25th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
Good to see the update. You may want to consider the book below (though I haven’t read it myself yet):
http://www.amazon.com/Chasing-Daylight-Gene-OKelly/dp/product-description/0071471723
Take good care.
March 26th, 2007 at 9:47 am
I second that book recommendation. Gene O’Kelly was the chairman of my firm. It is painful and difficult to read, but amazing and well worth it.
March 26th, 2007 at 11:28 am
Yes I think I’ve actually read a few chapters of it that got forwarded to me via e-mail. The few chapters that I did read… yes, it was very difficult for me. I think right now it’s going to be hitting a little too close to home.
I was talking about this to some friends just yesterday. When J was first dx-ed, these were the types of books that I read; I surrounded myself with death to become sensitive to its reality. Now, I crave philosophy and comedy. Besides Greek and German thinkers, I also spend time catching up on my Ugly Betty, Office and anime. Naruto, anyone?
March 27th, 2007 at 7:30 am
Ugly Betty and Office are definitely entertaining shows.
Not a fan of Naruto though. Prefer Bleach. Have you watched it before?
March 29th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
I am just checking in to see how you are. You are, as always, in my thoughts and prayers.
March 31st, 2007 at 5:33 pm
I no longer believe in the oriental ethic of extinguishing the root of desire, but I do believe that the task is more in coming to terms with desire, in order to live with it.
I tend to read poetry in times like this, especially Spanish renaissance poetry. It engages my mind and seeds it with imagery.
Waiting with desire is a terrible challenge.