A few more hours to daylight
So many times throughout this ordeal I’ve asked, in various ways and to various gods: Why me? Why us? Even knowing there’s no good or real answer, I have not stopped asking.
These next few hours, weeks or months. What lies ahead? If Rusty’s scans come back tomorrow with damning results, for the first time the cancer will have outpaced us. We will not know what to do next. We will be without a plan. There may not be anything we can do.
And we have tried so hard. I have watched my lover suffer through almost two full years of back-to-back treatment.
He has had eight or nine surgeries, too many to count. Radiation burns cover his left axilla. He takes close to 40 pills every day. He has had his body poked and prodded by an endless stream of doctors and nurses. So much blood has been drawn from him into test tubes for testing. So many needles.
From hospital to hospital across the nation, I have watched this cancer cut him down from a healthy, virile marathon runner to a broken, weary man.
What do you want from us? We have prayed and prayed. I have offered arm and years of my life. I have done the very best I can. I have treated people well, been there for my family and friends. Where is my karmic restitution?
“There is still so much I want to do. We have to get married, have kids - I want us to have our own business, buy a place to live in, settle down. Keep me alive, baby. I can’t go yet.”
Our hands touch. My tears come quickly and easily. I smoke until I throw up. I cannot sleep. I want to reach out but what is there to say to another? The person I need the most faces his own terrible demons.
My grieving began two years ago. But two years is a short time.
Time does not heal wounds. Love does not dissipate. If Rusty dies, I would have learned only one thing, that watching your loved one suffer is a human being’s most profound pain. There is no respite in that lesson.
February 7th, 2007 at 4:51 am
I don’t believe in God or gods, but I still pray for you two anyway.
February 7th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
I would be there
if I could ~
But time and space
Make us apart,
but not alone.
I’m there in
thought,
prayer,
hope and
dreams.
Though overcome
with
my tears,
my fears.
I enfold the
both of you -
with my love,
but most of all
my belief
in the two of you.
Let the daylight
be my presence -
Let the sounds
of the city
be my voice
saying to the
two of you -
It WILL be alright.
wd
*HUGE caring bear hug
February 7th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
I wish I had something helpful to say. I don’t. But I am praying like mad for you two, to whomever or whatever might be out there listening.
February 8th, 2007 at 1:26 am
You are both in my thoughts and prayers, now more than ever.
February 8th, 2007 at 1:48 am
You are right, there is no respite in the lesson. And neither is there an explanation for the pain and suffering inflicted on Jesse.
But as you say, love does not dissipate. Remember that in spite of all the pain and suffering, you two have a strong bond and relationship - it will be the one thing that will help you face the demons together.