Two Lucky

Week in review

I lost my temper today while doing the dishes.

I had just made some fresh butternut squash soup for Rusty, and the counter-top was a mess. We ran out of paper towels. The floor was sticky with trash juice from too many days of collected household debris. I threw the remaining dishes into the sink, swung shut the kitchen cabinets with a dramatic bang. The utensils inside shuddered metallically. When Rusty asks if I am okay, I mutter yes and leave the apartment for a cigarette outside.

It’s been a week since Rusty’s third infusion of the anti-CTLA4 drug, Medarex. His fevers are now almost all-day long. On a good day, he has about three or four hours when he is able to walk outside for fresh air. The rest of the time he’s laid up on the couch, too tired to do anything else. Since the clinical trial started last month, he’s already lost 20lbs. Dr Wolchok wants Rusty to come in tomorrow for a blood transfusion, and to run some tests. We may have to stay overnight for a few days.

I am worried about a million different little things. It feels impossible to sort them out. I am not used to letting soiled cutlery upset me like this, but I understand my anger is a manifestation of these undercurrent anxieties. It pains me to see Rusty so weak and withdrawn. What use am I to him if I can’t even keep the kitchen clean?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 9th, 2007 at 4:40 am and is filed under New York, Melanoma, Week in review. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.